Might be the worst episode of television I've ever seen. Oh holy shit, that was so fucking bad. I laughed heartily throughout it. America's #1 comedy right here.
I just don't have the detailed breakdown in me. I mean, so much stupid shit happened. Dexter sends his son away with a wanted fugitive who has murdered people in the past, because "it's safer." Hannah injects Elway with tranquilizers on a bus in front of people, and then loudly tells him her plan so anyone can hear. Oliver Saxon does... anything. He walks around covered in blood. He knocks a guy out in a parking lot with dozens of people around. He creates a diversion in the hospital, and then walks in front of people, and no one sees him somehow. He and Dexter are the only 2 people in an entire hospital wing, except for super-cop Angel Batista, who shows up miraculously at the right time to save the day. Since when does Angel do anything right?
Why does Hannah McKay not disguise herself? She's already been spotted once, she didn't learn from that? Oliver Saxon doesn't disguise himself either. Do wanted murderers just think they can walk freely among us as their mug shots are broadcast to the world? 5 seconds of thought could have fixed these problems.
So, the ending. Hoo boy, that ending. Wow. Deb has complications from being shot. That's fine, I can accet that. And then Quinn cries, which was hilarious, if nothing else. Then, Dexter, who DOES NOT WORK at Miami Metro anymore, gains access to the holding facilities by going through a desk cop who clearly doesn't give a shit about shit. Then, in front of security cameras, he goads Saxon to stab him with a pen, which he then expertly plunges into Saxon's jugular. Then he calmly composes himself, presses the panic button, and pretends to be freaked out. Angel and Quinn watch this tape... and completely buy what Dexter is selling. Or at least are OK with a brutal murder taking place in Miami Metro facilities because Saxon shot Deb. Makes sense to me. Here's how the conversation went down - and this is an exact transcript:
ANGEL: "You don't even work here anymore, how are we going to explain this?"DEXTER: Bullshit excuseANGEL: "OK, but why did you do this personally?"DEXTER: Bullshit excuseANGEL: "Works for me!"
Then Dexter boats over to the hospital, parking his boat in the hospital's visitor parking marina that is conveniently located, runs up the gangplank to the front door, and kills Deb. Not for Deb, mind you, but because he couldn't bare her being like that. But don't worry, he told Deb he loved her before she died, because she could not leave this earth until she heard those comforting words. Because this is a show for 15-year old girls and housewives.
Then, because he's a good brother, he wheels Deb out of the hospital in front of hospital personnel, DRESSED LIKE A FUCKING MURDERER, and takes her on to his conveniently parked boat. But, thankfully, there's a big storm, so in all of the evacuation brouhaha, no one notices all this shit Dexter is doing. Then, because he's the only person in the whole world that matters, he cheats all of Deb's friends and co-workers out of their chances to say good-bye by dumping her into the ocean. Because, you see, she's as much a victim of Dexter's as Saxon or anyone else he killed. And if you didn't get that, don't worry, the voiceover put a nice little bow on it. Also, no one wondered what happened to a high-profile coma patient whose story was on the news? No one looked into that at all? Makes sense. So he crashes his boat, and because he's the best swimmer in the world (remember his season 6 feats of Herculean swimming out of fire?), he is able to survive a Hurricane on the water and make it to the safety of... some place.
Then we get to our big ending, where Dexter is a lumberjack, but he's most decidedly NOT OK. Why did Dexter become a lumberjack? Why did he fake his own death and leave his son with a wanted murderer in a foreign country, never letting him know he died? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. Your guess is as good as mine. But at least Harrison and Hannah are in a Parisian cafe in Argentina, where there are no brown people, but at least there's some white people. What became of him? Is he still killing? Did he give it up? It was left completely open-ended.
So that tells us what the spin-off will be - Dexter: Tales of a Logging Man. I say we meet here every week to discuss that one, as well. Who's in?